~ Let's Be Exposures! ~
How long do you hold on?
At 13 I remember starting the fight with physical pain. Chronic physical pain. Of course at 13 I didn't know it was chronic. All I knew then was trips to the doctors in Bolivia started and shots to force my "girl time" to start happened. Trying to be somewhat modest here and protective about a story I'm not yet ready to tell….I'll move on.
I've never taken too much time to connect the dots of my life in this area…but, I should because this was the place that this story of my life gave birth. Because doctors in a third world country gave me different types of shots to start something that was designed to start naturally…my life took a drastic change to send me down a path of chronic pain and illness that to this day I'm still struggling with. Another place in my life that lies in secret and silence.
It was observed by a new friend in my life the other day that I have many closed off and layers of my life that I am still keeping hidden. That I tend to make my life look different than it really is behind the closed of doors of my own reality. It was no real shock for me to hear this. I've lived in this world for many many years.
My make believe world as a child, my ability to make a ministry life look beautiful and magical. To create an environment in my homes that gave the impression that everything was OK…when in reality it was a chaotic and sad existence. Even my own children (for the most part) thought our life was just fine. Creating this world and hiding the pain…both physical and emotional…caused the chronic sickness and continued health to dive down into a deep and hidden pit.
I sit here tonight wondering how long is too long? 38 years is a very long time to hurt physically, struggling through chronic pain, to keep secrets that many do not want to hear, to have lost two marriages, to have come right up to deaths door twice…and to now be alone and wonder why. I don't have the magical answers to these questions. I don't have some secret ingredient to make this make any sense.
Sometimes the truth is that I do want to be done. Yet, I'm so thankful to not live fake anymore. I'm glad the layers are being peeled away. I don't want to live like I'm still creating something pretty and covering up reality. Do I believe I should totally expose every part of me to everyone…NO. That's not healthy. But, should I live authentically and hope that by peeling away the layers of my own pain…one life could be helped and healed? You better believe it!
God has given each of us talents and skills to reach a lost a dying world. Ultimately that is our calling as Christians…to reach the lost. So, God has placed in me a burning desire to write…to tell my story. To share the testimony that is simply my life walk. Do I completely understand why to every question about my life? I don't. But what I do know is God has never left me through any of it. On days and nights where my chronic pain flares up and I think I can't handle another season of it…on days and nights where grief takes a hold of my heart…when I start to wonder why I should keep moving forward. I stop and remember that God has a much bigger plan than I do for this life. God has a purpose for our stories. His destiny and design do not match ours…it is so much bigger and better than our minds can ever imagine.
You might be dying with cancer or struggling with depression. You may be going through the first month of your divorce being final or have just lost a loved one. You might be sitting alone in a dark room wondering why you shouldn't take your life. You may not want to leave your house or be too afraid to call a friend for help. You might be sitting by the bed of a child who is sick or wondering why your husband never comes home to you. I'm not sure at all what you struggle with. I only know that we all do struggle through many seasons in our lifetime. No one is immune to struggles. And if they say they are…in my opinion…they are lying.
Sadness, depression, sickness, loneliness, jealousy, divorce, death…one or more of these will touch your life at some point on this journey we are all walking. How will you handle it? What will you do when the waves of these hard places touch you?
All I can share is how I've journeyed through.
When these places hit me I have thought of giving up. But, obviously I'm still here. I have sat in the dark spaces of my home and cried and wondered what should I do. Just like you…I have faced the darkness alone. But, not really…I'm telling you so clearly and full of unfaltering conviction…Jesus Christ has never abandoned this child. He won't!! That is His promise to even you.
There is nothing you can do that will surprise Him. Things you share with friends and family may shock…but with God…No Way! He can handle our dark moments, our sickness, our pain, our giving up moments. God is Faithful. He is the healer and binder of the broken. Christ came to save and redeem us through the lows and the highs. I'm so thankful for this truth.
Just like you I have had many seasons that I have not been able to grasp this message or really believe its truth. It has taken much peeling back for me to see. Hours, days, months and years of pushing through physical pain, depression, cutting, accidents, trauma, fear to leave my home, an unfaithful husband, divorce, loss of friends, to see clearly that leaving this earth without God taking me is not a choice. Many times people might tell you that taking your life would not be fair to your children or your family. But, now I just clearly saw as I've been writing this out...GOD IS THE #1 REASON WE SHOULD NOT GO AWAY PREMATURELY.
HE has such an amazing plan for our lives.
So, if our place in life brings about these seasons of suffering then know this…Let that place be a spring board to scream out to a lost and dying world of how HE turned it around for you. Watch Christ turn these ashes into beauty. Write it down, grab a hand and tell your story. Get out and make a difference. On the days you are not hurting make those days count for everything. On the days you do hurt and the pain seems too hard to bear…call a friend, pray, write it down. FIGHT IT OUT!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Jesus Christ makes living this life worth it. Everyday that I live I give Jesus Christ exposure. If you're gone or if I am gone then that's one less person to spread this awesome and life changing message. Let's live to be EXPOSURES!!
Love you, sweet friends.
Becka
At 13 I remember starting the fight with physical pain. Chronic physical pain. Of course at 13 I didn't know it was chronic. All I knew then was trips to the doctors in Bolivia started and shots to force my "girl time" to start happened. Trying to be somewhat modest here and protective about a story I'm not yet ready to tell….I'll move on.
I've never taken too much time to connect the dots of my life in this area…but, I should because this was the place that this story of my life gave birth. Because doctors in a third world country gave me different types of shots to start something that was designed to start naturally…my life took a drastic change to send me down a path of chronic pain and illness that to this day I'm still struggling with. Another place in my life that lies in secret and silence.
It was observed by a new friend in my life the other day that I have many closed off and layers of my life that I am still keeping hidden. That I tend to make my life look different than it really is behind the closed of doors of my own reality. It was no real shock for me to hear this. I've lived in this world for many many years.
My make believe world as a child, my ability to make a ministry life look beautiful and magical. To create an environment in my homes that gave the impression that everything was OK…when in reality it was a chaotic and sad existence. Even my own children (for the most part) thought our life was just fine. Creating this world and hiding the pain…both physical and emotional…caused the chronic sickness and continued health to dive down into a deep and hidden pit.
I sit here tonight wondering how long is too long? 38 years is a very long time to hurt physically, struggling through chronic pain, to keep secrets that many do not want to hear, to have lost two marriages, to have come right up to deaths door twice…and to now be alone and wonder why. I don't have the magical answers to these questions. I don't have some secret ingredient to make this make any sense.
Sometimes the truth is that I do want to be done. Yet, I'm so thankful to not live fake anymore. I'm glad the layers are being peeled away. I don't want to live like I'm still creating something pretty and covering up reality. Do I believe I should totally expose every part of me to everyone…NO. That's not healthy. But, should I live authentically and hope that by peeling away the layers of my own pain…one life could be helped and healed? You better believe it!
God has given each of us talents and skills to reach a lost a dying world. Ultimately that is our calling as Christians…to reach the lost. So, God has placed in me a burning desire to write…to tell my story. To share the testimony that is simply my life walk. Do I completely understand why to every question about my life? I don't. But what I do know is God has never left me through any of it. On days and nights where my chronic pain flares up and I think I can't handle another season of it…on days and nights where grief takes a hold of my heart…when I start to wonder why I should keep moving forward. I stop and remember that God has a much bigger plan than I do for this life. God has a purpose for our stories. His destiny and design do not match ours…it is so much bigger and better than our minds can ever imagine.
You might be dying with cancer or struggling with depression. You may be going through the first month of your divorce being final or have just lost a loved one. You might be sitting alone in a dark room wondering why you shouldn't take your life. You may not want to leave your house or be too afraid to call a friend for help. You might be sitting by the bed of a child who is sick or wondering why your husband never comes home to you. I'm not sure at all what you struggle with. I only know that we all do struggle through many seasons in our lifetime. No one is immune to struggles. And if they say they are…in my opinion…they are lying.
Sadness, depression, sickness, loneliness, jealousy, divorce, death…one or more of these will touch your life at some point on this journey we are all walking. How will you handle it? What will you do when the waves of these hard places touch you?
All I can share is how I've journeyed through.
When these places hit me I have thought of giving up. But, obviously I'm still here. I have sat in the dark spaces of my home and cried and wondered what should I do. Just like you…I have faced the darkness alone. But, not really…I'm telling you so clearly and full of unfaltering conviction…Jesus Christ has never abandoned this child. He won't!! That is His promise to even you.
There is nothing you can do that will surprise Him. Things you share with friends and family may shock…but with God…No Way! He can handle our dark moments, our sickness, our pain, our giving up moments. God is Faithful. He is the healer and binder of the broken. Christ came to save and redeem us through the lows and the highs. I'm so thankful for this truth.
HE has such an amazing plan for our lives.
So, if our place in life brings about these seasons of suffering then know this…Let that place be a spring board to scream out to a lost and dying world of how HE turned it around for you. Watch Christ turn these ashes into beauty. Write it down, grab a hand and tell your story. Get out and make a difference. On the days you are not hurting make those days count for everything. On the days you do hurt and the pain seems too hard to bear…call a friend, pray, write it down. FIGHT IT OUT!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Jesus Christ makes living this life worth it. Everyday that I live I give Jesus Christ exposure. If you're gone or if I am gone then that's one less person to spread this awesome and life changing message. Let's live to be EXPOSURES!!
Love you, sweet friends.
Becka
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