~ I Once Was Lost…But, Now I'm Found ~

I once thought I would grow up, marry, have babies and life would go on and on. I grew up and I did marry…I did have babies and life did move and go on and on. The one thing I never thought about as a young girl was this place I find myself now experiencing.  The space and the time when life changed and something unexpected happened. The on and on changing to this…this word I never remember even once having in my thoughts as a child or a teenager. Divorce!

As I sit here thinking about this word…Divorce. How mystifying to think that it never even entered into my thoughts growing up. As many topics as our family covered around the dinner table at night…we never touched are covered this issue. It’s not like this has to be weird or unusual…I just believe there was no need to talk about it. Most likely it wasn’t something back then that was as prevalent as it is in our society now. So, it wasn’t covered…it wasn’t thought through.

So, my dreams did not include even the possibilities that this would even occur. And with parents who I never even remember once mentioning out loud that they would leave each other. Not one time in all my growing up years was there a mention or threat that they would divorce…I mention that twice because I’ve never stopped long enough to realize how amazing this is. Two people who live in a house together…having had arguments and disagreements…but, not once did I hear this word in our home. Pretty Amazing…I would say. And that is why I say…no wonder it was never a part of the dream of what would happen in my future. It didn’t need to be. It didn’t exist.

Yet, here in this place…I sit. Divorced! Yup! It’s real. It’s here. It is now part of the on and on place I thought about. Married…kids…moving forward and then a BUMP in my road…in my dreams of this future.

 

How do you move within this if it was never in your thoughts before? How do you go on and keep living through new spaces when this space was never even created by your imagination? I think about these things. I think and wonder in the How…in the Why…in the When will the on and on come back?

Emptiness comes in waves. Having seen your life one way and then drastically seeing it take on a new dimension is at times terrifying. It can stop you in your tracks. It can make your bones grow cold and then hotness flood through your blood without warning. Waves…thundering clouds of disappointment take us swirling through days and nights that don’t make any sense. Yet, life still waits. Life still begs to happen.

There’s a fight in each of us to live. I’ve found this out several times in my life. From almost dying at 22 from the loss of blood and a transfusion to replace this loss. To an almost fatal car accident that left me fighting to live in a trauma unit. And then a different kind of life struggle…divorce. It is a dying feeling. It is a place that creates a struggle to hold on or a decision to let go. It snuffs out everything we once dreamed about to the realization that we must start over. It creates in us hopelessness and then the fight to live again. We push…we fight…we try…we cry…we scream…we keep going…we isolate and then we do what we all dream will happen quickly. We HEAL!

And just like I healed from the loss of blood. I healed from an almost fatal accident. I’m healing from this ugly word I’ve hated…Divorce. My heart still cries…my body aches with pain that can’t be describe…my hands long to be held…my face wants to be touched…my heart needs to be loved. Yet, the beautiful and all encapsulating joy is in knowing I have a love that already is here filling me up. God…the greatest healer of all is sitting by my side through this tragedy. Just like He never left me…He will never leave you.

Healing…what a word! We never get up right after surgery…right?  We never get up in the midst of a bad  virus….right?  We never get up…until we heal. So, through this sickness called divorce the first part of the sickness causes us to accept just that…we caught a virus. One we never thought we would catch…yet, we did. Now we have to get better. We have to take medicine…we have to seek out healing ways to recuperate. It takes time…healing from this ugly virus is a process. The medicine comes in doses. Eventually we can walk again…talk again…be around others again. We are no longer contagious…ah yes…I mean that too. Because looking back…there is a time at the very beginning of this sickness….we are contagious. We have to have caution and realize our bodies…our minds …our hearts are in a vulnerable and weak place. We need to protect and respect the care we give ourselves as we move through the healing and on to the other side.

And to see this healing is a beautiful picture of God’s grace on us. It’s a great place to see that we can feel whole again. That we can move on and on again in our dreams of a future.

I once was lost…but now I’m found…was blind but now I see. For me this simple line from an old song is not representing salvation for me right now. It is extending to me a new birth. A new moment to recognize the immense healing Christ has bestowed on my heart. What a joy to see and watch freedom poured out. What a blessing to meet and learn from others who are walking through this virus. This cancer. This ugly word that none of us wants to live through. Yet, its ugliness can turn to beauty. Its power holds no threat over us. Its unexpected appearance in our lives can turn into a better future. And so…I choose again…and again…and again…to LIVE this out with expectation…with perseverance…with humility. Above all…I live to see beauty come from these ashes.

Love extended…I reach out to touch possibly one life in order to help your healing be easier…be bearable.

As always…much love and many blessings from these words drawn out from my injury and into the heart and soul of yours.